Let’s start by showing some empathy…
This column stands in solidarity with the sufferers of PSWS (Post-football season Withdrawal Symptoms). You are not and should never fight this all alone.
For the sake of public health education, the disorder is characterised by the following triad of symptoms;
- Nightmares of you and bae watching Zeeworld and back to back Korean series OR Hallucinations of you facing your room ceiling and reciting episodes of Jenifa’s diary OR building permanent residences in Banky W and Adesua Etomi’s Instagram accounts just to check if they’re doing fine.
- Running absolutely purulent and completely irrelevant commentaries (just to compensate for the lack of football) about NBA games when you haven’t seen a game before or even have the first clue what a slam dunk is.
- Actual Medical symptoms like tremors, profuse perspiration, palpitation and Urinary incontinence when the TV comes on and instead of football, it’s “The Voice Nigeria” that is shoved in your face.
This column encourages its readers to show love and not be judgemental with these people. If you’re the girlfriend to any of them please be kind to sing him “Soft kitty, warm kitty” while stroking his hair and giving him a glass of warm milk. He’s going through a lot. Studies show it’s therapeutic.
#WeStandWithYou
Moving on…
So what on green earth have our boys in shorts and soccer boots been up to during this silly season of no football?
You’re wrong! They’re not gambling away half their lives in Las Vegas.
Strangely, our guys have been doing that stuff people do with rings on each other’s fingers…what’s it called again, anyone?
From L-R (Phil Jones, Matteo Darmian, Antoine Griezmann, Alvaro Morata); (Morgan Schneiderlin, Manolo Gabbiadini); (Mateo Kovacic); (Chris Smalling, Kevin De Bruyne, Lionel Messi)
Congratulations Gentlemen (whether or not you know what you’re doing).
You can cheat on your clubs and flirt with other clubs for more yummy and adipose-rich contracts all you want (And yes Mrs Erika Griezmann, I’m talking to your Husband) but stay faithful to those ladies you’ve willingly hooked yourself too.
Don’t bother trying to disgrace football, some very, very married yet legendary and prolific cheating soccer stars (Ryan Giggs, John Terry, Wayne Rooney and Ashley Cole for starters) have that sorted already. The reputation of football in terms of marital fidelity is only as strong as Vladimir Putin’s reputation as a human rights’ advocate.
But from this column, Mazel tov!
Harry Kane and Memphis Depay also went on their knees and did the whole proposal business. Kids play a little too much these days.
Away from Suits and long white gowns, this happened…
Anniversary Alert
7 years ago, Yakubu Aiyegbeni pulled off one of the most curious and impossible misses of all time. 7 years+ and I can’t for the life of me calculate how on earth he missed that. You could try that chance a thousand times over (half of which you’re dead drunk) and you’d still fail to miss.
Hi Michael Scofield,
The column assumes you’re probably busy getting the tattoos of Guantanamo Bay so you can break out an ISIS jihadist but just for practice test this column wonders if you could help out with something.
A few of our favorite ball-kickers are about to be thrown in jail after the Spanish tax law decided to be unforgiving
Here is your priority list Michael:
Luka Modric: Must release. Break him out first. This columnist does not plan to in the not so distant future look his sons in their cute little innocent eyes and tell them Modric and his delicious beauty of an outside foot are in jail and that they have to make do with watching Fellaini and Andre Gomes in midfield. Too early to be a disappointment for a parent.
CR7: Wouldn’t have lost sleep leaving him in jail but he’s just had twins. Don’t want someone renaming his kids Sir and Rumi or something more ridiculous before he’s released. Break him out too.
Di Maria: Carry him along with the plans and when it’s time to cross the wall like y’all did in Fox River, sly him and let the wardens deal with him. He’s dead to this column.
Speaking of real life frauds…
They don’t come better than in a certain 23 year old Portuguese Midfielder…
Over to some actual football stories…
Biggest headline is the German domination of the world (thankfully not on the warfront this time). In the space of 3 days, the name Deutschland was engraved on both the FIFA U-21 World Cup and FIFA Confederations Cup.
Joachim Low had taken an experimental squad to the competition and put the screws to the Chilean team in the final. Yeah right, THAT Chile team! The ones who look like they’ve been transplanted with Dinosaur Stem Cells. Don’t even get me started on their preference for neck tattoos (Just google Gary Medel for confirmation)
With football played in its most simple and efficient form, this column is in awe of the German machines.
Maximum respect Die Mannschaft!!!
ACFL Returns!
Finally after a few months of hiatus, the Second season of ACFL returns!
For people in the preclinical arm, ACFL is simply is the reason the 400/500 level guys came over to the main campus during the health week and bulldozed their way to winning the Gold Medal in Football.
You know why this column loves this league? It exposes some chest-beating, mouth-running guys who in fact play worse than females. In a particularly thrilling debut season, Caesarean United came up trumps. Nicholas Armstrong also led the personal accolades roster, carting home the much-coveted MVP prize after something close to a stellar season.
Great to be back!
Finally…
There’s a reason we didn’t talk about the currently opened transfer window in this article, that’s because it’s depressing and more accurately, absolutely bonkers! Mino Raiola and some other agents have finally succeeded in sponsoring a lobotomy for football. Football has its senses lost. The ludicrous asking price for Lukaku who by the way, has the first touch of a baby elephant with Anencephaly is all you need to know that football’s nuts.
Don’t forget to remember to live, love and enjoy football effortlessly. Bye for now.
