The Staple Saga

AUTHOR: Ayomide Aliyu-Faniyan

THE STAPLE SAGA 

The curtain opens up on the Staple Association of Nigeria meeting room. White Rice, the President straightens out his tie on the immaculate and custom-made suit he wears while Stew, his wife reapplies her lipstick. The room has been empty till now but within minutes, members of the association begin to troop in.

POUNDED YAM: (Walks in with a flourish, folding an agbada as big as his ego over his shoulders. His wives Okra and Egusi walk sophisticatedly beside him.)

Rice! Ahn ahn ọrẹ mi. How have you been? I heard you and your wife have remained in demand for another year now. I’m happy for you o.

WHITE RICE: (Adjusts his tie again with even more pride while Stew just smiles demurely but says nothing.)

You should call me by my full name, which is White Rice. Let me not be confused for those other imitations of me. And you know Nigerians, no matter how much they complain or say ridiculous things like I would grow from their heads and such, they always come back to me. (Rice snickers in confidence). Always.

POUNDED YAM: (Moves closer to White Rice to whisper in his ears)

What about those rumors I heard of you and White Spaghetti not too long ago? Is it true that both of you were dragging popularity before he died?

WHITE RICE: (Scoffs in disgust)

I don’t know what you heard but I can assure you that my little cousin did not know what he was doing. Besides, Stew is my wife. He didn’t have anyone to support him. Isn’t that so darling?

STEW: (Who had been pretending not to overhear everything being said was temporarily startled when she heard her name. She looked nervous for a second before collecting herself.)

O-of course my dear. (laughs nervously). No support at all.

Why don’t you sit down, Pounded Yam? The meeting is about to start.

POUNDED YAM: (Smiles mischievously, knowing what he has done.)

Ọrẹ mi! We’ll catch up later abi?

(Egusi and Okra share a long look with Stew before they go to their seats as well.)

WHITE RICE: (With narrowed eyes at his wife)

What was that about?

STEW: 

What was what about?

WHITE RICE: 

You know what I’m talking about. Was something going on between you and White Spaghetti? Were you cheating on me with my cousin?

STEW: (Rolls her eyes)

Mtcheeeeew. What is your problem? Don’t I support you enough? How can you accuse me like this without any evidence? Abeg abeg I no get strength. Let’s start this meeting already.

White Rice decides not to argue in front of witnesses and goes back to his seat at the head of the high table.

Around this high table, other dignitaries can be found. Apart from Pounded Yam and his wives, the other staples present are  Akpu, his wives Bitterleaf and Oha, Tuwon Shinkafa with his wives Miyan Geda and Miyan Taushe, Starch and his wife, Banga, Amala with his wives Gbegiri and Ewedu, Boiled Yam and his wife Fried Egg, Beans and Garri. Other foods are seated at different tables across the room.

WHITE RICE: (Goes to the stage and picks up the microphone)

Ahem. Thank you everyone for coming to this meeting of Nigerian staples. Today’s agenda involves giving credit to whom credit is due. You have all done well in satisfying Nigerians in various capacities but power pass power abi?

A couple of hisses ripple across the crowd, as no one is interested in his useless banter. 

WHITE RICE: (shrugs off the embarrassment)

Anyway, I will be giving the award for the best staple of the year. Pounded Yam, stand up, please.

A scattering of claps is heard from the crowd. No one is really surprised because everyone knows White Rice always rigs the votes for his friend. Pounded Yam stands, radiating even more pride than before and just as he is about to collect the award, commotion is heard from the back of the room as an individual rushes forward to the stage.

SEMO: (Climbs the stage and snatches both award and microphone from White Rice’s hands)

I cannot accept this! What do you mean Pounded Yam is the best staple of the year? (Turns to Pounded Yam) You that people can’t be bothered to prepare again. You think I don’t know the secret you are trying so desperately to hide? (Turns back to the crowd) Poundo Yam has taken over his household!

Murmurs immediately erupt from every corner of the room. Some agree with Semo while some think he is just jealous.

YAM PORRIDGE: (Bends his head and whispers to those at his table)

I think Semo is right. Recently Pounded Yam has banned members of his house from leaving. Anytime someone wants to leave, they have to take permission from him and tell him where they’re going. There’s even a curfew! Can you imagine?

OTHERS AT THE TABLE:

Ha! That’s too much!

ẸFỌ RIRO:

Hmm…Yam Porridge are you sure you’re not just saying this because you are jealous of your cousin? I know how you wanted to become the head of the household not too long ago.

YAM PORRIDGE: (Eyes Ẹfọ riro from head to toe)

Of course, you’ll come to Pounded Yam’s defense. Do you think everyone does not know of your affair with him? And with Akpu and Amala and even Semo? You this ashawo. If you could even get Starch I’m sure you would have. Mtcheeeeew.

EBA: (Enraged at the insults thrown at his wife, stands up and grabs Yam Porridge by the collar)

I will not just sit here and tolerate this! Yes, we have an open relationship and yes, we see other people outside but unlike you, we own up to what we do. We are not hypocrites like all of you!

YAM PORRIDGE: (Not willing to look weak, he also grabs Eba’s collar)

Ehn that one is you people’s business. Why did she have to chook mouth in my matter? She should have just kept quiet. Why did she open her mouth anyhow the way she opens her–

Yam Porridge is unable to finish his sentence as Eba gives him an uppercut and a fight ensues.

Meanwhile, on the stage, Pounded Yam and Semo are about to start their fight.

POUNDED YAM: (Laughs in derision at Semo)

You this societal reject. Poundo Yam is nothing but a crippled outsider. He’s not even here to defend himself. How dare you compare me to him?

SEMO: (Also laughs)

How can he be here when your inferiority complex has driven you to kill him? You murderer!

POUNDED YAM: (Smiles)

You have no proof.

SEMO: (Smiles even wider)

Oh, but I do.

At that moment, Ogbono, Pounded Yam’s ex-wife, can be seen pushing Poundo Yam in a wheelchair towards the stage. Everyone looks at them, dumbstruck. Even Eba and Yam Porridge pause their fight momentarily. Pounded Yam especially, cannot believe his eyes.

POUNDED YAM: (Becomes unsteady on his feet as he stammers)

Y-y-you! But I saw you die! I k-k-know I d-d-d-did!

POUNDO YAM: (Looks at Ogbono lovingly and gratefully)

I would have died if not for her. Thank God she knows a thing or two about food poisoning.

POUNDED YAM: (Sends a murderous glare at his ex)

Ogbono! How could you betray me like this? Just because I dumped you?

The murmuring in the crowd intensifies.

OGBONO: (Rolls her eyes)

What I did has nothing to do with you. Stop being so conceited. Poundo Yam and I fell in love. And even if it wasn’t so I wouldn’t have allowed someone to die like that. You are immensely wicked, do you know?

Pounded Yam seeing he is cornered decides he can’t go down alone. He turns to White Rice who is trying to silently escape. It was kuku him that suggested poison in the first place.

WHITE RICE: (Locks eyes with Pounded Yam and knows exactly what Pounded Yam is about to do)

Damn it. This ungrateful fool. Why couldn’t you do the job properly? Turns to run but is blocked by Stew who is smiling innocently)

STEW:

Babe how far now? Where are you going?

WHITE RICE:

Get out of my way this instant.

STEW:

Why? So you can go and poison someone else abi? I know what you did to White Spaghetti. If you wanted to do this thing well, you should have poisoned the whole pasta family. Now they are coming for you. Coming for you and Pounded Yam. (Now in tears) Besides, White Spaghetti’s memory will live on in me and the rest of the pasta family.

WHITE RICE: (Realizes the implication of Stew’s words)

No! Don’t tell me you are…

STEW:

Yes! I’m pregnant with his son and I am naming him Jollof Spaghetti.

Just then, Pounded Yam drags White Rice with him towards the throng of people who have finished beating him so he can chop his own too but White Rice is too devastated to even fight back.

Stew goes back to where she was sitting and gives both Okra and Egusi high-fives. Their plan was well executed. Now they are free to mingle with whomever they want.

The rest of the staples on the high table have been watching each other and giving each other dirty looks, but no one stands to say anything because each and every one of them is guilty of mingling with the other. It is basically an open secret at this point. And so, they come to the unanimous decision to scrap the best staple award.

STEW: (Picks up the microphone that was thrown down in the previous scuffle)

From now on, let everyone just live together peacefully. We are one Nigeria. We do not need to segregate ourselves or choose who is above whom. Let us just live as is. This meeting is hereby adjourned. Thank you.

As soon as Stew drops the microphone, a deafening round of applause is given. Even the group that had been beating up White Rice and Pounded Yam stop to clap. After a while, the room begins to empty and White Rice and Pounded Yam have been left alone to reflect on their actions. They also leave the room eventually.

The room is now empty save for a certain individual, who is going through the scattered room searching among the upturned tables and broken chairs. Finally, she finds what she’s looking for.

FRIED PLANTAIN: (Rubs the dirt away from the best staple award)

I mean, why should this waste anyway? I might as well take it. After all, Nigerians love me. (She puts the award in her bag and walks into the distance laughing uncontrollably)

Curtain falls

END